This past week I’ve found myself in some incredibly uncomfortable situations, some volunteered for and others blindsiding me. My inadequacies and lack of skills were on display, on repeat. I felt like I was eight years old, twelve years old, fifteen years old, twenty years old with all sorts of memories bubbling up and compounding my embarrassment and discomfort. After getting the kids to bed one night I stood in the shower wishing I could summon tears to no avail and began a pleading prayer. Pleading for healing, forgiveness, peace that comes through the atonement. The phrase, “live in the moment” came to mind. Live for now, the learning, growth and joy that now can bring (still learning about being Present).
Flipping my scriptures open this morning led me to 1 Corithians 1:4-5: “I thank my God always on your behalf, for the grace of God which is given you by Jesus Christ; That in every thing ye are enriched by him, in all utterance, and in all knowledge;”.
In my moments of inadequacy is when I seek the grace of God in true earnestness and he returns with enriching my life in every thing. He improves my best efforts beyond what they could ever be on my own. Opening up an aching heart to accept the grace that is offered feels like a great leap. Having the courage to let go and allow forgiveness and healing and waiting to see what will be the replacement of those inner spaces. There is hope.
The admonition to become as little children is in full force: Nathan eating bread without any concern for how well the process is going and no comparison to others.
I stumbled across this video in the early morning hours about failure which has also helped me reframe my thinking a bit: