The last two weeks have been full of pre-labor symptoms, mostly during the night. I finally figured out that if I walk at night then all contractions stop and I can sleep. My routine has now flipped and I love having my mornings back to doing something besides walking and stretching for an hour!
I’ve been wrapping up loads of projects and little things around the house. There are a few more things on the table but I’m feeling really good about what I’ve accomplished.
An end of the day, post walk in the rain picture. I made this dress a few months ago when my other maternity dresses became too short thanks to a growing stomach. I designed the pattern from three different dresses so I could get the right fit. I’ve also altered my maternity jeans and I’m wondering why I didn’t do it three pregnancies ago (I was teaching…)!
Andrew is going to Washington D.C. in a few days for a few days. I figured we would either have the baby by yesterday to give me a few days to get home from the hospital and adjust, or after he returns. Now I’m squarely hoping she comes after he returns, which has helped me ignore braxton hicks and anything else that might suggest labor but isn’t.
I have struggled with anxiety during each pregnancy and postpartum, including this one. Recently though I’ve experienced a peace that surpasses all understanding. The lack of stress and anxiety is physically startling, especially with Andrew heading out with me nearing 39 weeks pregnant. A huge blessing, but also bizarre to how I normally feel. The interesting thing is that even though I have the constant feeling of peace, I still have the same habitual thought patterns that I have with anxiety. I think myself in circles about things I have no control over (mainly when she is going to be born) and wear myself out.
On Sunday I was having a particularly rough day after a series of very rough days. The physical pain of my pelvis separating and the baby being incredibly low and big was wearing on me. Plus being just plain exhausted from weeks of pre-labor. I went on a walk in the pouring rain and told God all my thoughts. Then I asked him what I should be thinking. What should my internal dialog be? What is truth that can be found in the scriptures? What do you want me to think or know during this time?
I was surprised at the two scriptures that popped into my mind:
“Well done, thy good and faithful servant” (Matthew 25:21) and “I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith” (2 Timothy 4:7).
I feel God’s love and acceptance of my sacrifice over the last nine months. I also feel a relief that I’m done; I can just enjoy this time – that he wants me to see the end as a reprieve.
But most importantly I have been given an amazing gift that has increased my joy and peace: a new, truthful internal dialog. Whenever I catch myself falling into my typical train of thought, I let these two scriptures take their place. It has been a wonderful experiment to ask God to give me a new thought pattern. I’m hoping that I can remember to ask Him to see my life through his eyes, to have scriptures to ponder and reflect on instead of my own thoughts/popular opinions.
“Happy is the man that findeth wisdom, and the man that getteth understanding” (Proverbs 3:13).