First off, we are having a girl!! We think! We had the anatomy scan at the end of June. The tech spent about 45 minutes with us and tried many times to figure out the gender. No luck – we were told we’d find out in November. I went to Utah and three weeks later had my follow-up doctors appointment. She informed me that they hadn’t been able to detect a 3 vessel chord and the placenta was covering the cervix. One would make me high risk, the other require a c-section, so another ultrasound was needed. WAHOOO!!!! Everything checked out that they were worried about and we had another insurance-covered chance to find out the gender.
I’ve hit the point where I’m just super excited to meet her. For me the third baby is great mentally because I’ve experienced labor twice and know more of what to expect. We’ve also brought a baby home to another child before, so less unknowns there. I know what exhaustion is, so though I don’t like it, it isn’t devastating (and I’m hoping I don’t contract something crazy like c.diff which would also exponentially increase the sleep that I get!). I picture with great excitement the moment I will get to hold her for the first time.
The first half of this pregnancy was so hard because of the unrelenting throwing up and nausea. The second half has been challenging because of severe sciatica, sending pain and numbness from both hips down into my feet, and SPD causing pain in my pelvis. At the beginning of August I was extremely discouraged by the end of each day. I just didn’t know how I was going to face one more moment with the pain.
A few weeks ago I had the thought that experiencing something this hard – something that is squeezing and pressing every ounce of my physical, mental, and emotional abilities more than I thought I could withstand – should turn me into pretty good grape juice. I was being gently chastised. I have an incredible opportunity to learn, grow and become. I was just tired and begging for it to end as soon as possible while still keeping the baby safe.
That moment started me on a wonderful path. I’ve been learning who I am and to appreciate my gifts and talents. I’ve started seeing how I can be a genuine mother, true to myself and to that role.
My relationship with God and Christ has been growing. My focus word for the last month or so is Light. The amazing miracle is that the more I keep my eye on the Savior by reading scriptures, praying, and seeking the companionship of the holy ghost, the pain and nature of my pregnancy has received much less attention in my mind. I feel peace. I still hurt to the bone, but it isn’t quite so consuming.
I’ve had to accept that pregnancy is a sacrifice. For the longest time I thought that because I wanted each child so badly that I couldn’t think of it as a sacrifice. But sacrificing is something God asks of us. It can be a holy, transformative experience when we see it for what it is. Acknowledging the journey has been part of aligning my will with God’s will.
Yesterday at church the stake president quoted a recent talk he heard from Elder Christofferson in Singapore. Paraphrasing:
“I hope and pray that you are delivered from your burdens. But if you are asked to endure, maybe that is the greater blessing, because in endurance you get to walk with the Savior.”
I’m sure the Savior has been walking with me this entire time, but learning to recognize more fully his hand in my life brings great joy and peace to my heart. That joy and peace is becoming a very real part of each day as I focus on Him and learn to give him my burdens, to trust him, and to allow for miracles to take place. God strengthens us to bear our burdens, but he also offers wisdom and power so we aren’t just muscling our way through. He wants us to be powerful, but that only happens when we are tapped into the source of power.
Resources that have blessed my life in the last few weeks:
- Own Your Life by Sally Clarkson. This book is amazing. I have a library copy but will probably buy it so I can reference it again. She is an incredible women full of wisdom and truth. This book is really about your relationship with God and Jesus Christ and becoming a disciple. I’ve read a few other of her books and love them. Her podcast is also one of my favorite sources for inspiration.
- Be 100 Percent Responsible by Lynn G. Robbins. This is a devotional he gave in August. I listen to the BYU devotionals by subscribing to the podcast. I also loved The Call of the Lord, Women and Education: A Future Only God Could See For You, and Change and Becoming: Thoughts from a Reluctant Grower.
- Christy by Catherine Marshall. Yes I read novels too. I LOVE this one and it is a dear friend I revisit again and again. It is long enough that I can binge read and still have plenty of story left. Surprisingly it’s been a good companion to Own Your Life, as there is a lot of thought and talk about God.
30 week baby bump, and kids taking pictures of the 30 week baby bump too. Nathan was struggling with the camera so Emily sat down to help him figure it out.